Friday, October 21, 2011

♥ remembering ♥

{I have had a hard time trying to decide what to say for this post --hence why i put it off and didn't post it on time. I knew I wanted to post something, but nothing sounded quite right. Most of it just went into my journal}

Today is the anniversary of Rachel's birth and death.

It went by fairly uneventful; like most other days. My husband was able to surprise me by coming early which was really nice--I tend to dread the time between 3 and 5:30 because by that point Luke and I are both tired of each other and tired with the day. We wait around for Hubby to come home and make the day exciting again. We were able to go and pick up a single rose for her grave and take it there. I also made a pretty arrangement, that won't die, for the Fall season and holidays.

Such a tiny gravestone compared to all the others around it.

I have found this little saying to be very true in regards to this entire experience:

I never would have imagined that Scott and I would have to face such a hard trial so early in life. It felt like it took so long to get Rachel here only to find out five months later we weren't going to be able to keep her and raise her. It was devastating news. This experience has been my most trying experience of my life so far and has changed me and our family in so many ways. I never imagined that I would have to go through these kinds of trials, and before I did, I used to say that I never could. But I have and I can; at least, I can with help from my Savior and knowledge of His Plan.

One of my favorite scriptures:
Alma 36:3
"... I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day."

Losing a child is not something easily forgotten. At least not by those who experience it. I can hardly believe an entire year has gone by because the emotions are still so strong for me some days. I think about Rachel every. single. day. I think about the little girl I won't know for such a long time to come. There is immense strength and hope, however, in knowing that we have been sealed to her for eternity in the Temple and that we will see her again. I don't know how anyone that loses a loved one could work through it not knowing that.

Most days I can get by just fine without the sadness overwhelming me like it did in the beginning. Sometimes I just have to do as this little poster says and take it one day at a time.

I'm grateful to have a loving and supportive husband who makes me laugh every day, holds my hand, and watches me carefully so he can be there to catch the tears when they fall. I'm also so very blessed to have my sweet little boy, who drives me up the wall at least twice a day, but whom I couldn't have gone through the past year without him there making me laugh and remembering why I wanted to have kids in the first place.

Sending love to my sweet angel baby, Rachel,
God be with you til we meet again.


  1. i think about you and rachel often.... i'm not sure why, but i do... i'm glad you wrote this. you are amazing.


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